A month ago, one of my friends asked me if I ever had my heart broken. I sat and thought this over. I went through all my ex- boyfriends and knew I was always the one to break it off. To say I was guarded would be an understatement. My friend looked surprised. I sat and thought for a moment, and my heart was shattered the day my father passed away. The grief, sadness, and need for my father was unbearable.
The months after my father lost his battle to cancer I found myself sliding into a dark hole. I numbed myself in every way possible. I didn’t eat, I binged and purged, I worked out till I couldn’t move, and I did not sleep. Every night I would call his phone and listen over and over to his voicemail wanting to talk. I cried hysterically in shower so my roommate would not hear me. The pain I inflicted on myself numbed me for a slight moment till it eventually came rushing back with a vengeance. I’d lay awake every night praying and waiting for a miracle.
On March 10th almost a year after my father’s death my miracle came. My heart gave up, it was tired of fighting and it was my time to learn a beautiful lesson. I spent a week in the ICU, in a coma, and was given a gift. While in a coma I was reconnected with my father and he told me it was not my time. I was upset when I woke up, I was in the same world I was trying to escape but, for the first time I felt and knew I was not alone. My father had never left me and I was blessed with an amazing group of friends and family who were there to support me.
The first two years after my fathers death I would fall asleep every night and ask him to visit me in my dreams. I would curl up in bed and talk about my accomplishments, my struggles, and my everyday life. I would ask him for clarity, advice, and strength. I found myself talking about my father all the time as if he was still around. I honored him by fighting for my recovery and staying honest.
Slowly, my heart and soul started to heal. Every year it has gotten easier and, I am forever grateful for the 23 years I had with my father. Heartbreak and grief are hard and it might feel unbearable but nothing last forever. You might feel like the world is coming to an end and you cant get out of bed and that is okay… I just want to share that things do get better. We all heal with time and we all learn from love. Where there is deep grief there was great love.
Photo and letter I kept with me every day while in treatment. It was a reminder that I am a fighter and that I am never alone in my fight.